Warm Monday Musings

Stopped at a train crossing, old Hindi songs adding calm to my chaos

There's a quiet stillness in this Monday afternoon air

A lull before the sea of traffic starts to engulf me in its wrath

Everyone running out of time to get somewhere, do something, be someone

Someone's on their way to break a heart, start a love story, make a big decision, start afresh, make a dream come true, claim a lost love, carve a new path

The possibilities of a soul's ability to be great is endless

But the constant cloud of responsibility looms low, a palpable unsurety

Nothing comes too easily they say

But what is 'easily'?

At this crossroads of an ever changing life

Aren't we all nothing but dots that join to form a bigger picture

The pawns in the universe's chess game of possibility vs. reality

Questions with no answers, answers with  no foundation, a foundation built on loosely laid hope

And a hope built on instinct seldom paid attention to.

A craving for a new world. A rolodex of scenic simplicity just waiting to drown me.

Oh how I dream of breathing a different air.

Dilz

Change

Change can be an exceptional friend when welcomed, but a looming storm when feared. You see, I have come to learn, that life is nothing more than a string of wonderful events if we feel so inclined to look at it as such. Finding a backbone, starting a fresh, learning to say ‘no’ with more politeness than some might find necessary are all the key elements to a wonderful story.

The thing about stories is, often times like their protagonists, their beauty lies in what is yet to be discovered. Without change such stories die natural deaths, with their hands attached to laptops and their worlds ending within 4x4 foot plywood walls.

Fear is often times like a shadow that we cannot shake, for at least its real life counterpart sleeps at night, but fear never does. I haven’t gotten too far in my story, but it’s been a swell introduction to self and an even better romance with life.

Dilz

A New Chapter

Journeys change and new diversions are inevitable. With a lap full of memories, a heart full of wisdom and a soul full of gratitude, I embark on a new adventure. Keeping in mind what matters and what doesn’t, life always has a weird way of surprising me wonderfully.

This world is made up of two people, people who do good without expectation and people who expect without reason. I have met more of the latter but the few formers have made this journey so beautiful.

As the time comes close to pull up my sassy socks and take the big step forward, I can only feel utter gratitude for the life I get to live and the people I get to call mine.

Man it feels good to feel good.

Dilz

A Hopeful Could Be

Someone told me you weren’t real

But my soul somehow knows otherwise

Something about universe vibes

And when it just feels right

I’ve danced with a few souls in my time

Some beautiful, some lost

Some demonic, others just for a moment

But I know I need yours the most

A faceless knight in shining armor

An everyday silent hero

Looking for a heart just like mine

So we both can keep giving more

Fights that go into hopeless romance

Tears that morph into silent laughter

An “I’m home and I miss you already”

Nothing ‘perfect’, just infinitely better

Summers have found their way into monsoon

And browns have joined hands with green

There’s a change in this new breeze

Maybe this is the season you’ll find me

An unsure little mess of memories

A dreamer with the fear of reality

A romantic with a hint of black

But between it all, a hopeful could be

Dilz

What Is A Life?

A foolish little girl fell flat on her face again. Fall down 7 times, stand up 8? At least that’s how people say you’re supposed to deal with it. You see the thing about conviction in self is that you need to have it regardless of where the opposing opinion comes from. Father, mother, sister, brother, best friend, aunt, uncle, cousin, whoever.

But can you be a walking contradiction of pleasing the ones you love while preparing for a dream they don’t understand? Can you live a happy life like that, or is it doomed from the start? Do they REALLY not understand or is that a convenient opinion?

The thing about scars is that, while you might not make the cut on yourself, you’re still forced to carry the scar of someone else’s self hate. You see when you cut yourself, you know how that scar is going to look. So if you want a scar that’ll fade, you do a hairline cut and if you are okay with a scar that will stay, then you dig a little deeper.

But the thing about cuts that other people control is that they cut as deep as they want depending on how much self loathing they possess. Or as soft as they like depending on how much love they have for your existence. Since they don’t need to feel the pinch of the blade, the frivolity with which it is used is seldom changed.

We grow into adults with thoughts different from each others’. Different needs, different hopes, different wants, different childhoods, different demons, different angels but one need. Love.

How can you expect a tree to grow, where the seed has not yet been watered? Like a cactus saves its resources, we save our hearts. No not that boy, not that family, he can’t have that job, not that car, not that attitude, not that sense of style, not that kind of humor.

We forget it’s just one life. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and just like that we’re all gone. An entire life of memories, living, breathing, laughing, eating, hoping, praying, gone in a second. Then you become a memory, a used to be, a once upon a time, a story.

So the little time we have on this Earth, what is the right way to spend it? Thinking everything through? Making only informed decisions? Listening to logic before love? Pleasing people we love before our own hearts? Listening to reason and not ridiculous could bes?

I don’t know how to possess the strength enough to know better and do better and make the ones I love happy all at the same time.

But then again, is that a life?

Dilz

Note To Self

My darling iron butterfly,

I know under normal circumstances you would have gotten the first of these letters at a later stage, but somehow you have lived a world of experiences far too old for someone as young as you, a bit too early.

It’s January 10^th 2018, and I think it’s finally time for you to know what and who you truly are. The world has left its infinite amount of bruises, scrapes and cuts on you but you turned them into beautiful scars without losing your ability to dream.

Men came and monsters left, but through it all you always loved hard and long. At the tender age of 15, 16  and up until 24 you held onto people who weren’t meant to stay and lost more than just your sense of peace along the way.

I take full responsibility for forcing you to grow up beyond your years and giving you secrets to carry that were too heavy for your innocence to understand. At 16 I forced you to endure the abuse of a man who didn’t look at you as a person and for that, I am so very sorry. I allowed you to be traded as change for his ever growing ego and the price you paid was one that would never be replaceable.

Years passed and I further forced you to interact with people who didn’t deserve to be in your presence, who didn’t value your grace, belittled your strength, abused your beauty and for that  I don’t think sorry will ever suffice.

But my beautiful darling, you are more than I have allowed you to give yourself credit for and you are greater than even I had an inclining about. You are more woman than I had known and more innocent than the world is used to, but don’t let it go.

You have beautifully taken your experience and created kindness. You have helped me understand what surrendering to God’s plan really is and for that I am forever grateful.

I can’t promise you that you won’t encounter hate again, in all fairness you do every day, but I will never again let you become the doormat to their unfinished inner battles. For this you have my eternal word.

You are an ocean of strength, love, grace, humility, bravery, faith, conviction, instinct, and so much more. But through it all you are beautiful, and you have earned every wave that makes up your never ending depth.

I can’t do much to make you understand how grateful I am for your unwavering friendship and loyalty but remember this, my love… You are beautiful. You are. For all the people who commented, the naysayers that pointed and laughed, the ones that told you not to believe in yourself, you are far above.

I love you, my angel and I hope you have a beautiful year. Until the next time I write you, it’s time for me to have your back for all the years that you’ve had mine, and the ones to follow.

All my love,

Yours. 

Dilz

My Muffin

My Muffin,

How has Heaven been treating you so far?

Do your little paws have warm ground to walk on? I remember how the tiles were too cold here

Are the hallways of Heaven lined with kitty treats, or do I need to have a word with God?

The sun’s rays often reflect the gold specks that your eyes had, maybe still have…

And I wonder… Are you happy and at peace? Does Heaven know how lucky it got?

My bed sheets still smells like you and I caught a glimpse of kitty litter sitting by the cupboard the other day.

I still tip toe around this house so as to not step on your little tail

But… It’s starting to get easier, I think?

Did you meet my other baby up there? Are you guys getting along?

She’s got this strong motherly instinct so I’m sure you’re in safe hands (paws)

Don’t worry if you see my 2AM tears, they’re almost involuntary now

And while I miss your whiskers on my lips and your meows in my ear

I’m happy to report that I am mostly… Fine.

Don’t bother about my angry rants at God every now and again

We’ll find our way soon, after all he owes me for getting to keep you

Do you still jump like a jelly bean and run like the wind?

You were my little Forest Gump, the love of my life

Well, I’ll sign off now… Just wanted to know how you were doing

We will meet again, and I’ll tell you stories about this world

While you guide me through what Heaven has been like over the years

Live free up there, my baby and I will try and do the same down here

And whenever you do get the time, visit once in a while… I’ll be awake

All my love, forever and always

See you soon, Angel

Dilz