25

25.

The things I believed I would be at 25. The infinities I was convinced I would have created at 

25.

The world I was so certain would be mine if I just hit this number.

It’s been almost a week since I turned 25 and a quarter life crisis officially had the permission to knock on my door, and I still don’t know.

I don’t know where my soulmate is, how much closer I am to true love, how far my career is going to get to and how happy I am capable of being.

Seasons came and went and the trees taught me lessons about how to let go. Fairy lights laced through balcony grills, and firecrackers light the night sky.

Ink stains on my fingers, Old Monk on my breath, secret words on old paper and the world at my feet.

Old Hindi songs on loop, jammies with the lingering scent of innocence and maturity where it needs to be.

25, it’s been a long road to get here and it’s all been wonderful.

Passion, anger, love, faith, home, hope, family, dreams, and everything in between.

The universe kept its promise, after all this time and all these years, it’s time I kept mine.

Dilz 

I Am Everything You Will Never Be.

Sinning with the devil and making love to an angel. Keeping pace with hell and building castles in heaven. Who knew devils smelled so good and had eyes to make you forget what you thought you knew? Who knew angels could drive you insane and give you the comfort of home with just a brush if their hand across your cheek. Oh the intoxication of a forbidden fruit and the healing hand of a known comfort.

Oh the loop I got myself in where the exit is blurred and the next turn comes even before I finish the previous one. Words whispered at 1 am, forgotten as quickly as the sun starts to rise. Jack Daniels on lying lips and Old Monk laced with love. Plans made under grey clouds and then laid to rest when the sky shows it’s morning hues of blue. Castles of chaos and homes of heart, words of wisdom and laced fingers with lies at their tips.

Up and down back and forth, yes and no, an ocean without a shore. Walking through fire while masking all these burns with a cape of “I’m fine”. Fine’s a feeling? Right? Isn’t it? How could I possibly know. Numb from running, tired of trying, irritated with my own skin. Fingers through my hair, my tongue on your lips, your lies on my breath, my stupidity in your hands. Hands around my waist that feel like a noose around my neck. Madness in your eyes and fear in mine, a game of hearts and a winner on top with poison arrows and neglected instability.

A cage around your world and a noose slowly creating itself around mine, love is the medicine for all aches but for your it’s tears and turmoil. A game of chase ending in the death of my soul, I won’t allow it anymore.

I am more woman than your insignificant manhood can tolerate, I am more strength than your weakness has ever known. I am a walking heart while you are a writhing world of filth.

I create infinities of purity while you create a vortex of insanity.

Darling, you thought my innocence wouldn’t see through your toxicity, but guess what?

I am everything you will never be. 

Dilz

Vial Of Hope.

When all doors close and shattered piece lie on the floor

When meanings come from silence and words mean far less than they used to

When the pungent taste of past pain claws it’s way into crevices of my soul

And murky waters are no longer safe to swim in, and my lung fill with toxicity

There exists the cleanliness of soft new beginnings, and much needed goodbyes

My skin no longer lingers with the melancholic scent of old flames

And my scars no longer have the claw marks of hands that no longer feel like home

A heart that hold lessons that will only be learned and perfected with time

A soul with severed threats of ties made from lead instead of love

Songs sung through voices that weren’t made to caress

And dances exhausted from a rhythm that has no melody of comfort

A year has come and gone and only now I’m finding my way out of this quicksand

Months of torturous maybes and unending if onlys

Mistakes made twice over and wisdom learned once in the dark

Love is waiting for me at the gate, the one you never let me walk towards

Home will one day be two arms, a heartbeat and eyes that breathe relief

Until then there’s laughter, healing, soul wrenching pain and a vial of concentrated hope.

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Somehow lessons always come from arms that were supposed to feel safe and a voice that was supposed to supress past demons, I've been on a rollercoaster of endless nooses for a year and finally it's all crashed. 

My soul has ben wrung dry of it's pungent joy and my heart has been stabbed out of his once familiar scent of love. But only through storms are rainbows created. Only through pain are souls enlightened. 

And only through extreme heartbreak will I finally find the true essence of my being. 

It's time to give time, time. 

Dilz