25

25.

The things I believed I would be at 25. The infinities I was convinced I would have created at 

25.

The world I was so certain would be mine if I just hit this number.

It’s been almost a week since I turned 25 and a quarter life crisis officially had the permission to knock on my door, and I still don’t know.

I don’t know where my soulmate is, how much closer I am to true love, how far my career is going to get to and how happy I am capable of being.

Seasons came and went and the trees taught me lessons about how to let go. Fairy lights laced through balcony grills, and firecrackers light the night sky.

Ink stains on my fingers, Old Monk on my breath, secret words on old paper and the world at my feet.

Old Hindi songs on loop, jammies with the lingering scent of innocence and maturity where it needs to be.

25, it’s been a long road to get here and it’s all been wonderful.

Passion, anger, love, faith, home, hope, family, dreams, and everything in between.

The universe kept its promise, after all this time and all these years, it’s time I kept mine.

Dilz 

I Am Everything You Will Never Be.

Sinning with the devil and making love to an angel. Keeping pace with hell and building castles in heaven. Who knew devils smelled so good and had eyes to make you forget what you thought you knew? Who knew angels could drive you insane and give you the comfort of home with just a brush if their hand across your cheek. Oh the intoxication of a forbidden fruit and the healing hand of a known comfort.

Oh the loop I got myself in where the exit is blurred and the next turn comes even before I finish the previous one. Words whispered at 1 am, forgotten as quickly as the sun starts to rise. Jack Daniels on lying lips and Old Monk laced with love. Plans made under grey clouds and then laid to rest when the sky shows it’s morning hues of blue. Castles of chaos and homes of heart, words of wisdom and laced fingers with lies at their tips.

Up and down back and forth, yes and no, an ocean without a shore. Walking through fire while masking all these burns with a cape of “I’m fine”. Fine’s a feeling? Right? Isn’t it? How could I possibly know. Numb from running, tired of trying, irritated with my own skin. Fingers through my hair, my tongue on your lips, your lies on my breath, my stupidity in your hands. Hands around my waist that feel like a noose around my neck. Madness in your eyes and fear in mine, a game of hearts and a winner on top with poison arrows and neglected instability.

A cage around your world and a noose slowly creating itself around mine, love is the medicine for all aches but for your it’s tears and turmoil. A game of chase ending in the death of my soul, I won’t allow it anymore.

I am more woman than your insignificant manhood can tolerate, I am more strength than your weakness has ever known. I am a walking heart while you are a writhing world of filth.

I create infinities of purity while you create a vortex of insanity.

Darling, you thought my innocence wouldn’t see through your toxicity, but guess what?

I am everything you will never be. 

Dilz

Vial Of Hope.

When all doors close and shattered piece lie on the floor

When meanings come from silence and words mean far less than they used to

When the pungent taste of past pain claws it’s way into crevices of my soul

And murky waters are no longer safe to swim in, and my lung fill with toxicity

There exists the cleanliness of soft new beginnings, and much needed goodbyes

My skin no longer lingers with the melancholic scent of old flames

And my scars no longer have the claw marks of hands that no longer feel like home

A heart that hold lessons that will only be learned and perfected with time

A soul with severed threats of ties made from lead instead of love

Songs sung through voices that weren’t made to caress

And dances exhausted from a rhythm that has no melody of comfort

A year has come and gone and only now I’m finding my way out of this quicksand

Months of torturous maybes and unending if onlys

Mistakes made twice over and wisdom learned once in the dark

Love is waiting for me at the gate, the one you never let me walk towards

Home will one day be two arms, a heartbeat and eyes that breathe relief

Until then there’s laughter, healing, soul wrenching pain and a vial of concentrated hope.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Somehow lessons always come from arms that were supposed to feel safe and a voice that was supposed to supress past demons, I've been on a rollercoaster of endless nooses for a year and finally it's all crashed. 

My soul has ben wrung dry of it's pungent joy and my heart has been stabbed out of his once familiar scent of love. But only through storms are rainbows created. Only through pain are souls enlightened. 

And only through extreme heartbreak will I finally find the true essence of my being. 

It's time to give time, time. 

Dilz  

Be The Best Part Of Me

Same questions, different answers. Broken strings, songs played through a memory. Beats to remember and a rhythm that feels like home.

Wondering how to make peace with the past and how to come to terms with the future. Two hopeless hearts, or so it would seem. Unwritten words decaying within a confused soul. Smoke on my lips, 

Old Monk in my veins, you in my heart and unsettled fears in my soul.

A romantic mess of tortured could bes and hopeless prayers laid to rest on grey monsoon clouds.

I keep telling myself I’m okay, but then it’s 4 in the morning, the wind is crisp and you come to say hello in all my dreams.

Maybe some nightmares too.

Forced into making decisions that I’m not prepared for, to say words that I’m not sure I can own up to later.

You with your ambitions and me with my tainted intuition.

You with your pretentious patience and me forever grateful.

You all wrapped in failure and me just waiting to unravel the hope.

You in your sure suit and me in my delicate lace.

You with hands to heal and me with eyes to speak.

You without me.

And us without we.

Contradictions fill my lungs with silent screams, but your voice has the power to gracefully set me free.

A novel written together but now I rummage through all my old pages and new, to find you sitting somewhere on one of the old forgotten corners. One pen on one paper to form millions of joint thoughts. Now, empty pages, an inkless nib and two chapters with one ellipsis.

Meet me at the line, the one where we make peace. Let’s hold hands and dance to our understanding.

You bring the softness and I’ll bring the fierce fight.

You bring the confidence and I’ll bring the forever to celebrate.

You bring me cherries and I’ll bring the chocolate cake.

You be the layers and I’ll be the finished masterpiece.

I’ll be your sanity and you be the best part of me.  







Dilz

Constructive/Destructive

“I am a human being. Nothing human is alien to me.”

I was watching a video of Maya Angelou talking about the most valuable lessons she’s learned over time and she spoke of this quote she has once read, I forget now who the speaker was.

This saying, in its entirety, means that nothing that another human being says or does, no matter how bad or awful, is something that I myself am not capable of. Whether it’s the woman who killed her children, or the man who raped his wife, or the poor boy from the streets who became a millionaire, nothing another person does be it good or bad, is something I am not capable of.

Maya Angelou said that if you could soak in even 10% of the gravity of these words and live by them on some level in your life, then you have known what it’s like to be human.

For some reason, these words struck me. With all the awful things people had done to me, all the hurtful words, actions, thoughts, reactions.

I had faced and known a lot of hate and a huge lack of love.

Through all of this I would always tell myself that I could never do that or say that or act that way. I would tell myself these people are bad people and so they do bad things. While this is still true, and cruelty is something I am still incapable of, I know now that all people are a product of something, even the most hateful ones.

I need to remind myself that the reason I am incapable of such harm is because I reacted to my life and to my situations constructively, rather than destructively. That not all people have the same strength or the same environment to choose otherwise.

People are only as good or as human as their choices.

But not everyone is aware or fully capable of understanding that every action or word they speak is a choice and is a responsibility of the highest order.

And this is the fundamental difference between a good person and a bad person.

The war between constructive and destructive.

Dilz 

Peace.

Maya Angelou and Oprah Winfrey have soon become the guiding lights that my life so desperately needed, apart from my angel of a mother.

Sometimes when lessons come at you faster than you can catch them or understand them, the overwhelming feeling of not being enough tends to take over.

My teachers come in all shapes and sizes, with different hearts and eccentric souls but each one full of a knowledge that I don’t yet know. 

Each one making me want to explore my own being and find in its depth if there are the same thoughts or feelings that I harbor.

What makes me so different from the rest? What ingredients do I possess that makes me feel things so differently or understand other souls so deeply? Is it a curse, could it be a blessing?

All these years of loneliness, wondering why God picked me to be this carrier. Why I was chosen amongst so many others, more deserving, more capable.

Sitting in rooms full of people with opinions, strong views, strong ideals and knowing that mine don’t fit anywhere. Knowing that mine have a depth that might not be understood or appreciated. Maybe they won’t relate to the wholeness of my feelings or the reality of their density.

That one statement I couldn’t accept until now. Just three little words with the power to change everything.

I. Am. Different.

Three words. So many years. So much trauma. So much lonliness. So many questions. So many sleepless nights.

One realization.

So much peace.

Dilz

Words.

Of all the lessons I have learned recently and all the powers I have witnessed, the greatest realization to me is the power of words.

The power every human being has to change lives just with the sentences that they spew in the direction of another person. 

The worlds they can build and the homes they can destroy. 

The dreams that can be given life and the hope that can be put to rest.

The power of words exist in the sentences I type. In the humor I invest in, in the people I talk to, in 

the smiles they react with, in the tears that flow and in the wake of everything I know.

The power of words is one so grand and one so large that all that there is or all that there could be exists entirely within the combination of 26 alphabets and many millions of tongues.

Words can hide inside closets, they can make their home in the crevices between people’s bones and in the molecules within their being.

Words have the power to give, to take, to hold, to break.

Words create love. As they create hate.

Words create homes. As they create faith.

Words are the center of every human being and the most expensive freedom we possess.

Dilz