Synchronised.

It's been a while since I was able to bring myself
To string words together to create
Some kind of presentable paragraph

Staring at white walls
And wishing I could drown them
In my millions of molecule thoughts

Worries
Sadness
Calm
Chaos.

Still staring
Still lost
Still wanting so desperately to write
Write away this confusion
This unknown tug of war

But still lost for words
Lost for sentences

Lost for organised thoughts
Synchronised swimming kind of

Togetherness.

Dilz

Diwali

As a night of fireworks and celebration dims to nothing more than a soft drizzle on window panes, the faint smell of gunmetal and the sea of wrappers caked on damp roads, I realize how quickly life goes by. How soon spring changed to summer and the monsoons came rolling into a crisp winter.

No longer do I feel the sting of love lost or ideals drowned. How far I've come since that lonely May night. How much I've gained in the light of my loss.

Diwali has brought with it new somethings and laid to rest old nothings.

This night of happiness and light has turned my once painful flames into nothing more than an almost unnoticeable ember.

Until next time, my pretty festival and the reason for my name.

Real.

When Two Becomes One

I wonder some times, about whether what everyone says its true

Is it true that if you truly loved someone and they didn't see it, in time it'll come back and breath an air of familiarity back into their lives, when they least expect it?

Somehow, though it's been almost 4 months, I don't know how to understand how he is so okay, while my heart breaks with every old memory
How he replaced me so easily while I still find it difficult to learn to love again, or to understand how

The worst pain, is the kind that comes when you give someone 150% and get only 50% in return
When you spend nights waiting alone for someone to show up, when they're already 3 hours late
When you give up every weekend to sit around at their place of work, just to get in that extra hour and a half of time together because you don't know if they'd try just as hard to spend time with you
When you calm their tortured heart from a loss that was too great for them to bare on their own, even though they didn't realize it till you came along

Love is a funny thing
With it's ability to let you believe that you get what you give

There's a part of my foolish heart that still believes that it's other half is out there
But, for now all I can settle with is easing it into independence


Or myself...


Maybe both


I guess it takes some getting used to, when a once perfect two turns to just a healing one






dilz

Simplicity

Another day off spent well.

Blog stalking and satisfying my Tumblr addiction.
Sleeping in the afternoon, even though I'm not sleepy, but just because I can.
And the best part of all, watching Sex And The City re-runs whilst drinking hot chocolate and painting my nails.

Certain kinds of monotony are so soothing, its almost unreal.

And the best part of all... Slowly adding goodies to my Forever21 shopping bag! Whoop!

Soon it'll be time for a haul post! 

Some websites just trump others... They just do.

Goodnight kisses

Dilz

Another Page

Ah, the coming of sweater weather and crisp morning air...

Be good to me, September.

Dilz

Monotony Of Dreaming.

Wet pavements and droplets of rain hanging from balcony grills. 

It's such a quiet Monday night, with no stars in the sky and barely any traffic on the roads. Looking up at the sky, all that exists are blinking lights of an aeroplane flying over and I wonder... I wonder where the people in it are going. Who's going on vacation, who had to leave their family behind and go on a business trip, or who is starting a new life for themselves and have those butterflies in their stomach that you get just before you do something big... Something monumentally life altering...

Here I am, sitting in this home, going to a monotonous job everyday, selling the same shoes and complimenting customers the same way I had done the day before, just wishing I could suddenly stumble upon my true calling one day, stumble upon what I'm meant to do for the rest of my life. That one thing that will define every choice I ever make for the rest of my life.

Instead, everyday I'm a worry wart. A knot of unsurity and fears. 

Worrying about the happiness of the people in my home

Worrying about whether I will ever be enough.

Whether I will ever discover that I am sickeningly blessed with a talent of some sort. 

That I have that one thing that other people wish they did, that one thing that I did so well that every one else felt inconsequential to even try.

Hoping that my family will be okay, always

I often see a man in a hut with his two little girls and his wife cooking dinner over a wood fire. And, with his minimal income, every day he brings home a treat for his girls. It could be a little bottle of Cola or two bars of Dairy Milk chocolate, but he never came home empty handed.

I envy that man. I envy their home. Their wholeness. I envy the beauty hidden in their simplicity and the honesty in their little laughs. 

As for me, it's back to work tomorrow and back to daily monotony. 

Sigh... Just like that, my single, weekly off is over and it's back to a store full of shoes I can't afford.

Another day of grimy auto rides and Colbie Caillat blaring in my headphones as I map out more dreams for myself.

Being a hopeless dreamer is starting to seem like a real thing for me now. 

Oh well, time to watch re-runs of Sex And The City with my beautiful Mommy and then try and sleep well tonight... And try and block out unwanted scenes from The Conjuring *shudders*

Dilz