A Fool

If the roses at the flower shop down the street from your house could speak, they’d tell a story of how they never found their way to me. They’d sigh in pain over my hands that didn’t get to caress their smell.

I’ve beaten myself up many nights over what I could have, should have, must have done right. Definitely done wrong.

But, this is no longer my fault and you are no longer mine to hold.

Lonely nights and busy days.

Night fall and darkness all around me as I waited for my phone to light up and my room to sense the spark of your midnight love, but it never came. I love you’s spewed from your mouth like water, with no actions to match. You were a boy, working hard to be the man you could be and I lent my hand, head, heart and soul to be your comfort through the storm. I walked through fire and became armour to your dreams.

Oh, what a fool I have been.

Long nights, frivolous fights, you were always ‘tired’ of me and my constant whirlwind of hurt.

‘Don’t be a child’, you said.

Now, questions swirl and the ‘drafts’ folder is piling up with words you will never read and heart songs you will never hear.

I still remember your smell, of cheap cigarettes and Old Monk, laced with the sweetness of your just-out-of-the-shower scent. Your smile that lit up my world and your laugh that brought out the innocence in mine.

Missing you has become second skin, being angry at you is still taking some getting used to.

You promised to love away my demons… Oh, what a fool I was for not seeing that you just wanted me to love away yours instead.

A sweet talker with eyes that make me fall softly in love over and over again. Hands that laid the foundation for every forever we could have had.

But those lips.

Lips to kiss away my every fear, lips that spewed lies to give birth to new ones. You’ve made a fool out of me too many times, you’ve sorryed away too many unnecessary jibes.

Practiced signatures on old tissue papers, dates noted and forevers put on a calendar made of dreams. 

Movie tickets in an old memory jar and your shirt tucked away in my closet, tucked away in a small corner of my heart.

Goodbyes are never easy and we had too many for me to count. But this last one, this painfully real and horribly prolonged one is going to cut deeper than anything that can be stitched up.

You promised… What a fool I have been. Oh, such a fool for you.

Laid To Rest

When we break down in shards and not in flowers, when we create a warzone and not a meadow, how can I still be stupid enough to wish for you?

When frustration replaces love and anger replaces joy, that is usually an indication to pack your bags and look for greener pastures. But, somehow the smell of you and the comfort of your arms are all I want… Or so I seem to believe.

Pungent what ifs and melancholic maybes are all we have left in this chess game of forbidden possibilities. You were the king, but you took my role as the queen too seriously. As days passed and I kept protecting you, I somehow lost my sense of self and my ability to be enough for me. What should have been an equal relationship suddenly turned into a one way street that sent me crashing into a reality that I never planned for.

Skin on skin, we created the only magic I’ve ever known. Forbidden kisses left on my hopeful lips while our fingers trace my every outline, I fell for you so deep with no harness to protect me. With no you at the end to catch me.

Like dew drops lay on barren leaves, your smell lingers on me after all this time. Your signature scent mixed so perfectly with the smell of freshly smoked cigarettes. Your skin tells a story that my soul is not willing to forget. No one can kiss these pained lips like you can, no one can fix and break me all at the same time, like you have.

Why?

The universe lets out a sigh every time our fingers touch or our smiles dance. Almost like it knows we’re about to create sin all over again. My mind says no and my body starts to tremble but for some reason my heart walks every path that could lead me back to you.

Why?

Eyes that have seen harshness and hands that can caress my every fear into comfort. Our worlds don’t fit but somehow I feel like our souls do. So easily you slid into my universe and changed its colors. So completely my eyes laid to rest what my heart already knew. Weeks have passed and long nights have gone by with me staring at my phone. That one call or one message, that one indication that I run through your mind just as much as you race through mine.

My love, you have changed my world. And as much as I never wanted to admit such failure or accept such helplessness, you have laced your being through my every thought, my every inch and I will never again be the same. 

I'm Sorry

Our dreams lay at my feet

Like the shattered windows of a home

After it’s been hit by a tornado

Your voice in my head

And your heart in my prayers

All I wanted to say is I’m sorry

But nothing comes out

The toxic pain of our unfinished fairytale

Follows me like a shadow without a purpose

I ask myself how I got here

How a hopeful ‘we’ changed so quickly to

Nothing but a lonely you

And a broken me

I’m sorry

Day dreams haunt my every thought

And the faint, familiar taste of depression

Lays itself on my every tear

I remember the smell of your skin

And the touch of your hands

I know the safety of your arms

And the comfort of your warmth

Stories are written in the palms of the heavens

And their execution tied to every grain of the Earth

Just like the sea has an end we don’t know

And the trees dance to a tune we can’t hear

I realized our story needs its own time to unfold

It needs time to be stitched together, time for clarity

I scraped away at my skin

With broken fingernails in the hope

That I could somehow remove your touch

From my every inch of being

To do what’s right and to

End what is not yet written

Is a pain I don't wish on my worst enemy

To love and know loss

To loose and to know hope

To hope and to know pain

To hurt and to know its presence

To feel and to know its worth

To value and to prepare for the worst

To never be prepared to have your heart broken

And to finally… After all that…. Break

Now I know what a broken soul feels like

Now I know how I wish for just, a broken heart

My love, I am so terribly sorry

May life always find you in good health

And may success never stop knocking on your door

When love fails you, like I have

And when your heart breaks, like I have done to you

May you know it’s not always bad

May you know that sometimes, 

It comes from a good place

May you heal with the strength of a thousand prayers

If a day should come, if I should be so lucky

Where the universe thinks I am made for you

And you for me

I hope our love finds its place in the world

And if not, if this is our end

I hope you find a love so whole

And so terribly fulfilling

That you never have to remember my face

Or my touch, with pain

That you look back with joy

And you’re okay

I wish for you, every happiness 

Every dream to come true

Every whisper to be heard

And every tear to be loved away 

I love you

I’m sorry

Dilz

Why?

A Predator Of Purity

Days roll into the next and weeks pass

We both know you’re running out of games to play

And routes to take, to try and break my strength

Trust turned to betrayal and only now I realize

That you just needed fresh blood and raw flesh

To feed your hunger for heartbreak

To nourish your starving, tainted soul

Hollow promises you whispered to me in the dead of the night

And by the next morning, a broken mirage of what ifs

These word games you play, these jumbled riddles

Looping through my tired heart like barbed wire

The fierceness of your façade screams at me now

Empty eyes of a man without a purpose

A smile on your face, a mask to hide the shades of your darkness

My naïve soul thought it had found a friend

A place to rest its broken wings and heal it’s tired roots

You spoke of love that seemed bigger than my being

You spoke of depth that even the oceans would be jealous of

And I fell, I let myself fall, in the unknown abyss that is your heart

Or at least the outline of where a heart should have been

The ease with which you changed lanes and left me behind

Not a care in the world, or remorse on your lips

Now I’m left with the pungent taste of your empty kisses

The rancid smell of your skin lingers on me still

Run before it’s too late, they said

Save yourself before you’re in too deep, they said

Oh, but my foolish heart didn’t listen

Their words rolled off of me like glass beads

And now all I stand on are shattered pieces

Trying desperately to sew together gaping wounds

Only after all this time do I recognize your kind

A thief in the night, a predator of purity

A gambler of hearts

A perfectionist at deceit

Dilz

You Deserve Me, Like I Deserve You.

Your words lay heavy on my heart
And my soul rests peacefully in your smile
Laced fingers and soft kisses
Stolen glances and forbidden forevers
We made mayhem but we were magic
We made passion, we made secret sin
You speak of a love that I have never known
You look at me with eyes that feel like home
Soulmates don't exist in the realms of reality
But they do exist in the silence between you and me
Conversations till 5 in the morning
Of what this could be and what we could mean
The surity in your voice
Of castles you've built, with dreams of you and I
I deserve you, like you deserve me
Those words you said lay on my skin
Like dewdrops from the rain of our forever
And now I know
Just like a river flows to the sea
Just like caged birds are meant to be free
Like words fail what your eyes have given me





You and I are meant to be





Dilz

I Hope.

Hushed laughter in quaint ice cream parlors

The way that striped shirt rested 

In the curve of your shoulders

Glances exchanged

And nervousness exhaled

We knew each other for a year

And it took all those months of nothing

To finally find our secret garden of somethings

Riding through quiet lanes

Sharing infinities without even realizing 

You came out of nowhere and my world changed

With your shy smile and quick wit

Your warm hands and full heart

You understood me

And I, you

Our souls danced in the darkness

And our hearts tied themselves into a dream

Our love so forbidden

The world did not understand

Judgmental eyes

And disapproving anger

They will never get it

What you do to me

What I feel when I'm with you

My most beautiful mistake

That secret sin

My comfort now lies

In 20 days of every memory we made

Soft kisses 

And hidden love bites

Old Monk in our veins

We drowned in love

And I came back to life

Every time the phone rang

And I again found solace

In the calm of your voice

And the way you said my name

Or spoke of our future

I miss you now

And I wish our story was understood

I wish they didn't care

And I wish they saw you the way I do 

But if ever

In a different time

Under different circumstances

Our story can still be told with truth

And with the love it deserves

I hope you will still knock on my door

And I hope against all odds

When that day comes,

They welcome you with arms of joy

And the grace to know that you are mine. 

Dilz