Peace.

Maya Angelou and Oprah Winfrey have soon become the guiding lights that my life so desperately needed, apart from my angel of a mother.

Sometimes when lessons come at you faster than you can catch them or understand them, the overwhelming feeling of not being enough tends to take over.

My teachers come in all shapes and sizes, with different hearts and eccentric souls but each one full of a knowledge that I don’t yet know. 

Each one making me want to explore my own being and find in its depth if there are the same thoughts or feelings that I harbor.

What makes me so different from the rest? What ingredients do I possess that makes me feel things so differently or understand other souls so deeply? Is it a curse, could it be a blessing?

All these years of loneliness, wondering why God picked me to be this carrier. Why I was chosen amongst so many others, more deserving, more capable.

Sitting in rooms full of people with opinions, strong views, strong ideals and knowing that mine don’t fit anywhere. Knowing that mine have a depth that might not be understood or appreciated. Maybe they won’t relate to the wholeness of my feelings or the reality of their density.

That one statement I couldn’t accept until now. Just three little words with the power to change everything.

I. Am. Different.

Three words. So many years. So much trauma. So much lonliness. So many questions. So many sleepless nights.

One realization.

So much peace.

Dilz

Words.

Of all the lessons I have learned recently and all the powers I have witnessed, the greatest realization to me is the power of words.

The power every human being has to change lives just with the sentences that they spew in the direction of another person. 

The worlds they can build and the homes they can destroy. 

The dreams that can be given life and the hope that can be put to rest.

The power of words exist in the sentences I type. In the humor I invest in, in the people I talk to, in 

the smiles they react with, in the tears that flow and in the wake of everything I know.

The power of words is one so grand and one so large that all that there is or all that there could be exists entirely within the combination of 26 alphabets and many millions of tongues.

Words can hide inside closets, they can make their home in the crevices between people’s bones and in the molecules within their being.

Words have the power to give, to take, to hold, to break.

Words create love. As they create hate.

Words create homes. As they create faith.

Words are the center of every human being and the most expensive freedom we possess.

Dilz 

1 Week And Counting

Castles were painted in your eyes and dreams were whispered in my ears

Fingers laced to form the foundation for our home and life happened nice and slow

Your eye like a child and innocence to match, your smile full of joy and my heart didn’t stand a chance

A year came and went and our love triumphed through thick and thin

A year flew past us and the world was silenced in the face of our love and its strength

But when the wind blew out the man I was in love with and gave me who you became, I’ll never know

That cold 4^th of June, it was just another Saturday in the story of trial and triumph

The hours rolled by and your eyes suddenly spewed anger in place of the love I’d always known

Midnight came and I sat alone in a taxi… Numb.

Counting street lights and wondering when my phone would light up with an apology

Words of venom left your mouth and their pungent rawness created bullet holes in my being

The sound of laughter surrounded me while my world fell apart

It took you just one night, to crumble everything we built over 1 year

Every beautiful thing you had ever said played back an old song in my heart

And my head reeled in disbelief of how you could play both parts to such perfection

A week has gone by and as I sit at my desk, surrounded by chaos

The weight of loss fills my veins and my soul starts to search for its friend again

“Let it go” they say, “you won’t even feel it one day” they go on

But they don’t know… They will never know

I have counted the hours that you didn’t exist in, and the minutes that followed

I have recorded the seconds that I’ve sat in silence and the days I have slept by the phone

How easily the universe took from me all the love I had every known

How carelessly you threw away all the love I had ever given you

Forever left to hang on a noose in the dead of the night

And just like that castles turned to dust, dreams start to rust

And all I’m left with is what could have been the most incredible ending to us.

  

Dilz

A Fool

If the roses at the flower shop down the street from your house could speak, they’d tell a story of how they never found their way to me. They’d sigh in pain over my hands that didn’t get to caress their smell.

I’ve beaten myself up many nights over what I could have, should have, must have done right. Definitely done wrong.

But, this is no longer my fault and you are no longer mine to hold.

Lonely nights and busy days.

Night fall and darkness all around me as I waited for my phone to light up and my room to sense the spark of your midnight love, but it never came. I love you’s spewed from your mouth like water, with no actions to match. You were a boy, working hard to be the man you could be and I lent my hand, head, heart and soul to be your comfort through the storm. I walked through fire and became armour to your dreams.

Oh, what a fool I have been.

Long nights, frivolous fights, you were always ‘tired’ of me and my constant whirlwind of hurt.

‘Don’t be a child’, you said.

Now, questions swirl and the ‘drafts’ folder is piling up with words you will never read and heart songs you will never hear.

I still remember your smell, of cheap cigarettes and Old Monk, laced with the sweetness of your just-out-of-the-shower scent. Your smile that lit up my world and your laugh that brought out the innocence in mine.

Missing you has become second skin, being angry at you is still taking some getting used to.

You promised to love away my demons… Oh, what a fool I was for not seeing that you just wanted me to love away yours instead.

A sweet talker with eyes that make me fall softly in love over and over again. Hands that laid the foundation for every forever we could have had.

But those lips.

Lips to kiss away my every fear, lips that spewed lies to give birth to new ones. You’ve made a fool out of me too many times, you’ve sorryed away too many unnecessary jibes.

Practiced signatures on old tissue papers, dates noted and forevers put on a calendar made of dreams. 

Movie tickets in an old memory jar and your shirt tucked away in my closet, tucked away in a small corner of my heart.

Goodbyes are never easy and we had too many for me to count. But this last one, this painfully real and horribly prolonged one is going to cut deeper than anything that can be stitched up.

You promised… What a fool I have been. Oh, such a fool for you.

Laid To Rest

When we break down in shards and not in flowers, when we create a warzone and not a meadow, how can I still be stupid enough to wish for you?

When frustration replaces love and anger replaces joy, that is usually an indication to pack your bags and look for greener pastures. But, somehow the smell of you and the comfort of your arms are all I want… Or so I seem to believe.

Pungent what ifs and melancholic maybes are all we have left in this chess game of forbidden possibilities. You were the king, but you took my role as the queen too seriously. As days passed and I kept protecting you, I somehow lost my sense of self and my ability to be enough for me. What should have been an equal relationship suddenly turned into a one way street that sent me crashing into a reality that I never planned for.

Skin on skin, we created the only magic I’ve ever known. Forbidden kisses left on my hopeful lips while our fingers trace my every outline, I fell for you so deep with no harness to protect me. With no you at the end to catch me.

Like dew drops lay on barren leaves, your smell lingers on me after all this time. Your signature scent mixed so perfectly with the smell of freshly smoked cigarettes. Your skin tells a story that my soul is not willing to forget. No one can kiss these pained lips like you can, no one can fix and break me all at the same time, like you have.

Why?

The universe lets out a sigh every time our fingers touch or our smiles dance. Almost like it knows we’re about to create sin all over again. My mind says no and my body starts to tremble but for some reason my heart walks every path that could lead me back to you.

Why?

Eyes that have seen harshness and hands that can caress my every fear into comfort. Our worlds don’t fit but somehow I feel like our souls do. So easily you slid into my universe and changed its colors. So completely my eyes laid to rest what my heart already knew. Weeks have passed and long nights have gone by with me staring at my phone. That one call or one message, that one indication that I run through your mind just as much as you race through mine.

My love, you have changed my world. And as much as I never wanted to admit such failure or accept such helplessness, you have laced your being through my every thought, my every inch and I will never again be the same. 

I'm Sorry

Our dreams lay at my feet

Like the shattered windows of a home

After it’s been hit by a tornado

Your voice in my head

And your heart in my prayers

All I wanted to say is I’m sorry

But nothing comes out

The toxic pain of our unfinished fairytale

Follows me like a shadow without a purpose

I ask myself how I got here

How a hopeful ‘we’ changed so quickly to

Nothing but a lonely you

And a broken me

I’m sorry

Day dreams haunt my every thought

And the faint, familiar taste of depression

Lays itself on my every tear

I remember the smell of your skin

And the touch of your hands

I know the safety of your arms

And the comfort of your warmth

Stories are written in the palms of the heavens

And their execution tied to every grain of the Earth

Just like the sea has an end we don’t know

And the trees dance to a tune we can’t hear

I realized our story needs its own time to unfold

It needs time to be stitched together, time for clarity

I scraped away at my skin

With broken fingernails in the hope

That I could somehow remove your touch

From my every inch of being

To do what’s right and to

End what is not yet written

Is a pain I don't wish on my worst enemy

To love and know loss

To loose and to know hope

To hope and to know pain

To hurt and to know its presence

To feel and to know its worth

To value and to prepare for the worst

To never be prepared to have your heart broken

And to finally… After all that…. Break

Now I know what a broken soul feels like

Now I know how I wish for just, a broken heart

My love, I am so terribly sorry

May life always find you in good health

And may success never stop knocking on your door

When love fails you, like I have

And when your heart breaks, like I have done to you

May you know it’s not always bad

May you know that sometimes, 

It comes from a good place

May you heal with the strength of a thousand prayers

If a day should come, if I should be so lucky

Where the universe thinks I am made for you

And you for me

I hope our love finds its place in the world

And if not, if this is our end

I hope you find a love so whole

And so terribly fulfilling

That you never have to remember my face

Or my touch, with pain

That you look back with joy

And you’re okay

I wish for you, every happiness 

Every dream to come true

Every whisper to be heard

And every tear to be loved away 

I love you

I’m sorry

Dilz

Why?