Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The Burdens Of A Whole Heart

Is it a hope that changes heaven and Earth? Or is it a notion?

I'm starting to steer away from that line as it blurs in the distance of what I thought I knew 

Worlds laid to rest and lives let loose of the noose of tainted love 

Playing back drunken midnight conversations, trying to piece together what was left behind 

Iron bars barricade all the joy that I poured into another heart

Funny thing certainty without a warranty can be. 

The things you feel you are capable of achieving even without a safety net 

The words that you so easily believe because... Why not? 

Understanding as a person, trying to make sense to a soul 

I betrayed myself so steadily and with so much conviction

I can no longer find what it was that I left behind 

What it was that let me believe in things that were left in the sky 

Time goes by as slowly as it wants to and I leave a trail 

Of lessons and pick up little bits of wisdom like a parched dessert 

Looking for a semblance of moisture to heal these cracks 

How time teaches us what we need to learn, but what we maybe never had to 

How a heart bares a burden larger than it's being and walks away whole 

Hopeful as ever, bashful with faith, and full of more love to give. 

I'm almost ready. 


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

When Will It Be Over?

I’m 5 days away from 2 months
And I still can’t see any signs of a scar
Wounds still wide open, feelings gush out without warning
I spent 2 years filling an empty glass, wondering when you would too
Blue skies have changed to grey and the monsoon is here again
I remember the rains last year and how I was wrapped up in your arms
The curve of your lips, the strength of your hands, the depth of your voice
The softness of your kisses, the music of your laughter
Times goes by so slowly but sometimes too fast
Your doormat was everything I every gave you
And my home was every silence you never got through
Broken bricks lay down the path of invisible healing
I take 5 steps forward and then a 100 steps back
I cross my legs and remember when you laid your head on my lap
I close my eyes and remember when we fell asleep under the stars
I let the water run over me under the shower
And remember every time you wrapped the towel around me
Memories clog every future of fine I could have
Too much hurts and too little has healed
You said you’d love me like a child
But all I am now is an orphan searching for a lost heart
Roofs collect the ghosts of my hopeless love
And your life goes on by, like nothing ever changed
My phone never lights up and my ears bleed for the sound of your voice

When will this ever be over?


Sunday, June 4, 2017

Just Like That

Just like that you let this go?

My phone never blows up with your drunken nights

And my ever questioning soul can never understand why its best friend vanished, in one night.

But through all this time, all I can wonder is... Why?

Why did you do this to me?

I didn't even deserve a fight?

I didn't deserve even one drunken midnight 'please don't go'?


Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Why Me?

Everyday my chest closes up and I can’t breathe
I suddenly feel like I need to take a deep breath and close my eyes
The walls look at me with judgment over the decisions I’ve made
And sometimes, I can almost feel my conscience breaking up with me
I pray for days where I don’t need to write out my last name
Because then I know his name will be etched in my handwriting for the 100th time
Days go by too soon and nights drag on without a definite end
Glasses of Old Monk go down like water
And water goes down like lumps in my throat that I can’t wash away
Cigarette stained lips lie beneath my tired eyes
I look to the trees and all I can see are our dreams tied to their branches
I look to the sky and all I wonder is… Is he looking up too?
Picking fight with God for no reason
And apologizing in the morning because I don’t know where else to go
I spend all my time wondering what’s wrong with me
Because what happened is a good thing, I’m right?
Am I… Right?
I keeping picturing alternate endings and not once could I imagine
My hands won’t have a home to hold
And my soul will never have its best friend back
Funny thing heart break is, in all its broken elements
In all its heavy glory

All I wonder is, why did it pick me?

Why this time?


Thursday, April 20, 2017

Me Over You

Sleeping for half an hour every night

Making friends with the midnight owl

Asking questions to the stars

And leaving hopes on the corner of dark clouds

Telling myself I dodged a bullet

But wondering where all that forever love went

Thinking you were the love of my life

Making plans before making peace

You poison words have dug themselves deep into my soul

I thought you were a lover, but all I see now is a monster

Fangs out and claw marks on my heart

I promised myself I wouldn’t let a devil in again

I let myself believe empty, beautiful words

And I suddenly became the doormat to your home of pain

I said goodbye and you said “make sure you think about this twice”

But baby, don't for a second be fooled

In a hundred lifetimes, with a thousand thoughts

I will still always choose me over you.


Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

Why can’t I ever let anything be when it’s reached its expiration date? Why do I need to keep prodding and trying to revive something that has no life left?
Why can’t I understand when it’s time to leave something where it is and walk away.
2 years have passed and I’ve revived the same ending at least 4 times to try and ensure that I can do something to keep it from breaking.
When will I learn that situations change, ideals change, dreams change, but people don’t.
So many years I have spent believing that if I love someone enough they will not do anything hurtful, if I give enough, I’m safe from pain.
But, it is actually the opposite. The more I invest, the closer I am to being irreversibly hurt.
So this time I’m going to put myself last, and put you first.
And this is why, this is my apology to you.

I’m sorry my truest companion, for putting you through battles even before you had healed from your previous dance with a devil.
I’m sorry for making you the armor for fights that were not your fault.
I’m sorry for not having your back the way you have had mine over all these years.
Men have waltzed in and out of my life and every time, you have been left in pieces when you trusted me to keep you safe.
You have never let me down, or given up on my sorry self.
Never have you complained or let me believe you can’t do this anymore.
Every time I believe someone was my walking fairytale, you came along with me for the ride even though you knew it was going to involve a crash landing.
I’m sorry my heart, for not listening.
I’m sorry for not being more aware of what you need.
I’m sorry that we have to do this again and pick up already shattered pieces.
I’m sorry that along the way you’ve lost some of the stardust that made you what you are.
But most of all, I’m sorry for not being the best friend I promised to be.
The best friend that you have always been to me.
You held up your end of the deal, and it’s time that I held up mine.
Let’s take this one last painful journey together, heal each other, and revive our old friendship.
And my promise to you will be only one, next time it’ll all be different.

Next time will be beautiful, I promise.

Please forgive me.


Yours forever.


Friday, February 3, 2017

Over You.

I remember the way your mustache grew into your beard

And your shirt tail was always half out of your trousers

I remember the smell that always filled every room you were in

And the way you’d smile every time you saw me so much as grin

I remember the 2AM I love yous and the 8AM goodbyes

And I can still feel your hands around my waist

But other than all that, I’m over you

I remember the crinkles in your t-shirt

And the hairtie around your right wrist

I remember the way you’d look at me without anyone knowing

And the way you’d kiss me so softly

I remember that last date, that last glass of your Jack Daniel’s

And I can still feel your presence in a corner of my soul

But mostly, I really am over you

Because I also remember the tears at 4AM

And the poison words waiting for me when I woke up

I remember the anger in your voice

And I know the control you so desperately wanted over me

I remember the other girls that had heard the same sweet nothings

And the hearts that you loved to keep in your collection

I remember the lies that you spewed at my naïve soul

And the my dreams that you loved to set on fire

I remember the joy that my tears brought you

And death in your eyes when you said I didn’t matter

I remember the times I begged you to let me in

And the moments you took away any hope I had

I remember the fairytales you turned to black

And the demons you brought to life in my soul

I remember the nights that I didn’t want to wake up

And the days that I woke up in a daze, wishing to sleep forever

So yes, for the last time on these empty pages

I will write words that resonate with you

While they all might always somewhere be true,

I am now and forever will be over you.