Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Note To Self

Dear Beautiful Strong Baby Girl,

I know under normal circumstances you would have gotten the first of these letters at a later stage, but somehow you have lived a world of experiences far too old for someone as young as you, a bit too early.

It’s January 10th 2018, and I think it’s finally time for you to know what and who you truly are. The world has left its infinite amount of bruises, scrapes and cuts on you but you turned them into beautiful scars without losing your ability to dream.

Men came and monsters left, but through it all you always loved hard and long. At the tender age of 15, 16  and up until 24 you held onto people who weren’t meant to stay and lost more than just your sense of peace along the way.

I take full responsibility for forcing you to grow up beyond your years and giving you secrets to carry that were too heavy for your innocence to understand. At 16 I forced you to endure the abuse of a man who didn’t look at you as a person and for that, I am so very sorry. I allowed you to be traded as change for his ever growing ego and the price you paid was one that would never be replaceable.

Years passed and I further forced you to interact with people who didn’t deserve to be in your presence, who didn’t value your grace, belittled your strength, abused your beauty and for that  I don’t think sorry will ever suffice.

But my beautiful darling, you are more than I have allowed you to give yourself credit for and you are greater than even I had an inclining about. You are more woman than I had known and more innocent than the world is used to, but don’t let it go.

You have beautifully taken your experience and created kindness. You have helped me understand what surrendering to God’s plan really is and for that I am forever grateful.

I can’t promise you that you won’t encounter hate again, in all fairness you do every day, but I will never again let you become the doormat to their unfinished inner battles. For this you have my eternal word.

You are an ocean of strength, love, grace, humility, bravery, faith, conviction, instinct, and so much more. But through it all you are beautiful, and you have earned every wave that makes up your never ending depth.

I can’t do much to make you understand how grateful I am for your unwavering friendship and loyalty but remember this, my love… You are beautiful. You are. For all the people who commented, the naysayers that pointed and laughed, the ones that told you not to believe in yourself, you are far above.

I love you, my angel and I hope you have a beautiful year. Until the next time I write you, it’s time for me to have your back for all the years that you’ve had mine, and the ones to follow.

All my love,



Wednesday, November 22, 2017

My Muffin

My Muffin,

How has Heaven been treating you so far?
Do your little paws have warm ground to walk on? I remember how the tiles were too cold here
Are the hallways of Heaven lined with kitty treats, or do I need to have a word with God?
The sun’s rays often reflect the gold specks that your eyes had, maybe still have…
And I wonder… Are you happy and at peace? Does Heaven know how lucky it got?
My bed sheets still smells like you and I caught a glimpse of kitty litter sitting by the cupboard the other day.
I still tip toe around this house so as to not step on your little tail
But… It’s starting to get easier, I think?
Did you meet my other baby up there? Are you guys getting along?
She’s got this strong motherly instinct so I’m sure you’re in safe hands (paws)
Don’t worry if you see my 2AM tears, they’re almost involuntary now
And while I miss your whiskers on my lips and your meows in my ear
I’m happy to report that I am mostly… Fine.
Don’t bother about my angry rants at God every now and again
We’ll find our way soon, after all he owes me for getting to keep you
Do you still jump like a jelly bean and run like the wind?
You were my little Forest Gump, the love of my life
Well, I’ll sign off now… Just wanted to know how you were doing
We will meet again, and I’ll tell you stories about this world
While you guide me through what Heaven has been like over the years
Live free up there, my baby and I will try and do the same down here
And whenever you do get the time, visit once in a while… I’ll be awake

All my love, forever and always

See you soon, Angel


Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Familiar Strangers

Butterfly breakfasts on the tips of flowers
Gloomy clouds hang on delicate tree tops
The winter breeze whispers little stories
Of late night word vomiting between familiar strangers
Rum on my lips and brandy on yours
Secrets shared in the centre of an old bar
Notes on stained tissue paper
And looks exchanged with words we left unsaid
I spoke a language your soul understood
And you brought a comfort that I couldn’t ignore
Lingering questions on our minds
How did we understand with such ease?
The demons that we both have carried separately
When did I become so sure of what I know?
The pressure that wasted time carries
The burdens that slow healing can bring
You told me secrets of a childhood tainted
I spoke of peace, the kind you’d forgotten
Unsurety in your voice, certainty in mine
You, ever unready to admit you need a hand to hold
Carrying weights too heavy for you to let go
An Earth waiting to be watered
Parched for the feeling of something soulfully familiar
Just two strangers, two glasses, two stories
But one connection, one understanding, infinite maybes… Could bes… If onlys.  


Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Fickle Feelings.

What is the logic behind being attracted to unavailability?
How do you curb feelings that should ideally be attached to reason but have perched themselves on the branches of dreams?
The same circle, a different time, a different lesson, the same life.
1+0 does not equal to 2… Seems like the notion is alien, but the probability is real.
Eyes meet with a one sided need for it to end in a hug… Maybe a kiss… Too much? How about the occasional midnight text?
Self doubt turning into nights of ‘it could be’ and waking up with ‘this is never going to happen.’
Maybe a hobby will help or an extra deadline to beat the thoughts that lead nothing.
My heart knows this game, the only difference is that now my soul resonates warnings rather than ‘we’ll deal with the bad later.’
Not at all ready to gamble away years of lessons and weary stances
There’s no method to this madness and no love to this logic
Oh man… Thank the good Lord there’s no love involved.
I mean, who’s ever ready to go ahead and do some construction of heart cracks all over again
Weirdly enough, with age, they take a lot longer to harden and get back to the usual
Right, time to lock it away. Swallow the key like I will my fickle feelings.


Friday, October 6, 2017

All Woman.

Wounds come and people go
Years pass and then some more
Scars form from what we know
And the seed of truth learns to grow

Walls are built and homes are tarnished
Words are said and promises vanish
Souls of resentment are often banished
Slowly but surely hopes diminish

Secrets too heavy for a 16 year old to bear
A little girl made to silence her fears
Her innocent eyes see demons crystal clear
But her angels don’t seem to be anywhere near

Now 26 her words are her weapon
So much older, but still a child from within
Learning to forgive what weren’t her sins
Starting to embrace everyday wins

Every life has a purpose, she has come to realize
Every sinner has a punishment for his lies
She is now a warrior who doesn’t need to hide
Gaining strength from her new found pride

23 years of carrying weights too heavy
Decades have past and made her weary
But from the ashes a phoenix is ready
To make peace with the past and release the negativity

No more pills or blunt blades
No more empty glass bottles or full sleeved drapes
It’s time to let go of all the self hate
For she is not a victim but one of the greats

Let it be known that her veins pump iron
For within the timid lies a siren
Have no doubt she’s risen from ruin

Make no mistake, she’s all woman.    


Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Coffin Of Memories

I can’t put your name to paper anymore
I can’t walk into pubs looking for your face
They say you come by sometimes
With a new love on your arm
You never ask about me, from what I know
And I always wonder where’d you go
Hearts that were once home
Have now become abandoned mansions
Of loss and regret
Keeping up with this game of who’s fine
I forgot that maybe you really could be
Stealing moments from my memory
And creating situations where we meet
Letting go seems harder than I thought
And holding on is starting to tire me out
The coffin is in the ground
But I can’t find the strength to pick up the shovel
Mud laden memories just don’t sit well with me
But then again

It’s not like you ever did either.


Thursday, August 24, 2017

I Will Always Fucking Do It Better.

Talking big about me
On some weak email
Think you can scare me
With empty threats
But guess what?
You’ve met your match
No wait, let me correct myself
You’ve met your superior

I come with skill
That you can only dream of
I harbor power
The kind that keeps you up at night
That’s right
I’ll haunt your dreams
I’ll scare your nightmares
You’ve picked the wrong fight
I’m going to show you how it’s done right

I smile and say hello
But you pushed me
So now I’m going to laugh
And watch you wallow
You can talk the talk (not well, if I might add)
But you fail to walk the walk
I don’t talk so big
But I create footprints
That throw dust to your wind

What was it you said?
I’m not good enough?
Boy, watch yourself
I’m here to drag you through the mud
Someone should’ve warned you
You’re not supposed to wake beasts
Bu then again
I can’t expect more from the weak

Self righteous jabs only get you so far
You spoke of saying shit for my good
Am I right?
Watch me do what you can’t
And kick you straight out of this hood

I don’t forget
And there’s no way I forgive
I’m a fucking fighter
And you should be lucky
I let you fucking live

I run this game
And you’re not even a player
I roll with the aces
So the next time you decide to put pen to paper
I will always fucking do it better!

Vasuraj OUT. *mic drop*