My Muffin

My Muffin,

How has Heaven been treating you so far?

Do your little paws have warm ground to walk on? I remember how the tiles were too cold here

Are the hallways of Heaven lined with kitty treats, or do I need to have a word with God?

The sun’s rays often reflect the gold specks that your eyes had, maybe still have…

And I wonder… Are you happy and at peace? Does Heaven know how lucky it got?

My bed sheets still smells like you and I caught a glimpse of kitty litter sitting by the cupboard the other day.

I still tip toe around this house so as to not step on your little tail

But… It’s starting to get easier, I think?

Did you meet my other baby up there? Are you guys getting along?

She’s got this strong motherly instinct so I’m sure you’re in safe hands (paws)

Don’t worry if you see my 2AM tears, they’re almost involuntary now

And while I miss your whiskers on my lips and your meows in my ear

I’m happy to report that I am mostly… Fine.

Don’t bother about my angry rants at God every now and again

We’ll find our way soon, after all he owes me for getting to keep you

Do you still jump like a jelly bean and run like the wind?

You were my little Forest Gump, the love of my life

Well, I’ll sign off now… Just wanted to know how you were doing

We will meet again, and I’ll tell you stories about this world

While you guide me through what Heaven has been like over the years

Live free up there, my baby and I will try and do the same down here

And whenever you do get the time, visit once in a while… I’ll be awake

All my love, forever and always

See you soon, Angel

Dilz

Familiar Strangers

Butterfly breakfasts on the tips of flowers

Gloomy clouds hang on delicate tree tops

The winter breeze whispers little stories

Of late night word vomiting between familiar strangers

Rum on my lips and brandy on yours

Secrets shared in the centre of an old bar

Notes on stained tissue paper

And looks exchanged with words we left unsaid

I spoke a language your soul understood

And you brought a comfort that I couldn’t ignore

Lingering questions on our minds

How did we understand with such ease?

The demons that we both have carried separately

When did I become so sure of what I know?

The pressure that wasted time carries

The burdens that slow healing can bring

You told me secrets of a childhood tainted

I spoke of peace, the kind you’d forgotten

Unsurety in your voice, certainty in mine

You, ever unready to admit you need a hand to hold

Carrying weights too heavy for you to let go

An Earth waiting to be watered

Parched for the feeling of something soulfully familiar

Just two strangers, two glasses, two stories

But one connection, one understanding, infinite maybes… Could bes… If onlys.  

Dilz

Fickle Feelings.

What is the logic behind being attracted to unavailability?

How do you curb feelings that should ideally be attached to reason but have perched themselves on the branches of dreams?

The same circle, a different time, a different lesson, the same life.

1+0 does not equal to 2… Seems like the notion is alien, but the probability is real.

Eyes meet with a one sided need for it to end in a hug… Maybe a kiss… Too much? How about the occasional midnight text?

Self doubt turning into nights of ‘it could be’ and waking up with ‘this is never going to happen.’

Maybe a hobby will help or an extra deadline to beat the thoughts that lead nothing.

My heart knows this game, the only difference is that now my soul resonates warnings rather than ‘we’ll deal with the bad later.’

Not at all ready to gamble away years of lessons and weary stances

There’s no method to this madness and no love to this logic

Oh man… Thank the good Lord there’s no love involved.

I mean, who’s ever ready to go ahead and do some construction of heart cracks all over again

Weirdly enough, with age, they take a lot longer to harden and get back to the usual

Right, time to lock it away. Swallow the key like I will my fickle feelings.

dilz

All Woman.

Wounds come and people go

Years pass and then some more

Scars form from what we know

And the seed of truth learns to grow

Walls are built and homes are tarnished

Words are said and promises vanish

Souls of resentment are often banished

Slowly but surely hopes diminish

Secrets too heavy for a 16 year old to bear

A little girl made to silence her fears

Her innocent eyes see demons crystal clear

But her angels don’t seem to be anywhere near

Now 26 her words are her weapon

So much older, but still a child from within

Learning to forgive what weren’t her sins

Starting to embrace everyday wins

Every life has a purpose, she has come to realize

Every sinner has a punishment for his lies

She is now a warrior who doesn’t need to hide

Gaining strength from her new found pride

23 years of carrying weights too heavy

Decades have past and made her weary

But from the ashes a phoenix is ready

To make peace with the past and release the negativity

No more pills or blunt blades

No more empty glass bottles or full sleeved drapes

It’s time to let go of all the self hate

For she is not a victim but one of the greats

Let it be known that her veins pump iron

For within the timid lies a siren

Have no doubt she’s risen from ruin

Make no mistake, she’s all woman.    

Dilz

Coffin Of Memories

I can’t put your name to paper anymore

I can’t walk into pubs looking for your face

They say you come by sometimes

With a new love on your arm

You never ask about me, from what I know

And I always wonder where’d you go

Hearts that were once home

Have now become abandoned mansions

Of loss and regret

Keeping up with this game of who’s fine

I forgot that maybe you really could be

Stealing moments from my memory

And creating situations where we meet

Letting go seems harder than I thought

And holding on is starting to tire me out

The coffin is in the ground

But I can’t find the strength to pick up the shovel

Mud laden memories just don’t sit well with me

But then again

It’s not like you ever did either.

Dilz

I Will Always Fucking Do It Better.

Talking big about me

On some weak email

Think you can scare me

With empty threats

But guess what?

You’ve met your match

No wait, let me correct myself

You’ve met your superior

I come with skill

That you can only dream of

I harbor power

The kind that keeps you up at night

That’s right

I’ll haunt your dreams

I’ll scare your nightmares

You’ve picked the wrong fight

I’m going to show you how it’s done right

I smile and say hello

But you pushed me

So now I’m going to laugh

And watch you wallow

You can talk the talk (not well, if I might add)

But you fail to walk the walk

I don’t talk so big

But I create footprints

That throw dust to your wind

What was it you said?

I’m not good enough?

Boy, watch yourself

I’m here to drag you through the mud

Someone should’ve warned you

You’re not supposed to wake beasts

Bu then again

I can’t expect more from the weak

Self righteous jabs only get you so far

You spoke of saying shit for my good

Am I right?

Watch me do what you can’t

And kick you straight out of this hood

I don’t forget

And there’s no way I forgive

I’m a fucking fighter

And you should be lucky

I let you fucking live

I run this game

And you’re not even a player

I roll with the aces

So the next time you decide to put pen to paper

Remember

I will always fucking do it better!

Vasuraj OUT. *mic drop*

Dilz

The Burdens Of A Whole Heart

Is it a hope that changes heaven and Earth? Or is it a notion?

I'm starting to steer away from that line as it blurs in the distance of what I thought I knew 

Worlds laid to rest and lives let loose of the noose of tainted love 

Playing back drunken midnight conversations, trying to piece together what was left behind 

Iron bars barricade all the joy that I poured into another heart

Funny thing certainty without a warranty can be. 

The things you feel you are capable of achieving even without a safety net 

The words that you so easily believe because... Why not? 

Understanding as a person, trying to make sense to a soul 

I betrayed myself so steadily and with so much conviction

I can no longer find what it was that I left behind 

What it was that let me believe in things that were left in the sky 

Time goes by as slowly as it wants to and I leave a trail 

Of lessons and pick up little bits of wisdom like a parched dessert 

Looking for a semblance of moisture to heal these cracks 

How time teaches us what we need to learn, but what we maybe never had to 

How a heart bares a burden larger than it's being and walks away whole 

Hopeful as ever, bashful with faith, and full of more love to give. 



I'm almost ready. 







Dilz 

When Will It Be Over?

I’m 5 days away from 2 months

And I still can’t see any signs of a scar

Wounds still wide open, feelings gush out without warning

I spent 2 years filling an empty glass, wondering when you would too

Blue skies have changed to grey and the monsoon is here again

I remember the rains last year and how I was wrapped up in your arms

The curve of your lips, the strength of your hands, the depth of your voice

The softness of your kisses, the music of your laughter

Times goes by so slowly but sometimes too fast

Your doormat was everything I every gave you

And my home was every silence you never got through

Broken bricks lay down the path of invisible healing

I take 5 steps forward and then a 100 steps back

I cross my legs and remember when you laid your head on my lap

I close my eyes and remember when we fell asleep under the stars

I let the water run over me under the shower

And remember every time you wrapped the towel around me

Memories clog every future of fine I could have

Too much hurts and too little has healed

You said you’d love me like a child

But all I am now is an orphan searching for a lost heart

Roofs collect the ghosts of my hopeless love

And your life goes on by, like nothing ever changed

My phone never lights up and my ears bleed for the sound of your voice

When will this ever be over?

Dilz

Just Like That

Just like that you let this go?

My phone never blows up with your drunken nights

And my ever questioning soul can never understand why its best friend vanished, in one night.

But through all this time, all I can wonder is... Why?

Why did you do this to me?

I didn't even deserve a fight?

I didn't deserve even one drunken midnight 'please don't go'?

Dilz

Why Me?

Everyday my chest closes up and I can’t breathe

I suddenly feel like I need to take a deep breath and close my eyes

The walls look at me with judgment over the decisions I’ve made

And sometimes, I can almost feel my conscience breaking up with me

I pray for days where I don’t need to write out my last name

Because then I know his name will be etched in my handwriting for the 100^th time

Days go by too soon and nights drag on without a definite end

Glasses of Old Monk go down like water

And water goes down like lumps in my throat that I can’t wash away

Cigarette stained lips lie beneath my tired eyes

I look to the trees and all I can see are our dreams tied to their branches

I look to the sky and all I wonder is… Is he looking up too?

Picking fight with God for no reason

And apologizing in the morning because I don’t know where else to go

I spend all my time wondering what’s wrong with me

Because what happened is a good thing, I’m right?

Am I… Right?

I keeping picturing alternate endings and not once could I imagine

My hands won’t have a home to hold

And my soul will never have its best friend back

Funny thing heart break is, in all its broken elements

In all its heavy glory

All I wonder is, why did it pick me?

Why this time?

Dilz   

Me Over You

Sleeping for half an hour every night

Making friends with the midnight owl

Asking questions to the stars

And leaving hopes on the corner of dark clouds

Telling myself I dodged a bullet

But wondering where all that forever love went

Thinking you were the love of my life

Making plans before making peace

You poison words have dug themselves deep into my soul

I thought you were a lover, but all I see now is a monster

Fangs out and claw marks on my heart

I promised myself I wouldn’t let a devil in again

I let myself believe empty, beautiful words

And I suddenly became the doormat to your home of pain

I said goodbye and you said “make sure you think about this twice”

But baby, don't for a second be fooled

In a hundred lifetimes, with a thousand thoughts

I will still always choose me over you.

Dilz

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

Why can’t I ever let anything be when it’s reached its expiration date? Why do I need to keep prodding and trying to revive something that has no life left?

Why can’t I understand when it’s time to leave something where it is and walk away.

2 years have passed and I’ve revived the same ending at least 4 times to try and ensure that I can do something to keep it from breaking.

When will I learn that situations change, ideals change, dreams change, but people don’t.

So many years I have spent believing that if I love someone enough they will not do anything hurtful, if I give enough, I’m safe from pain.

But, it is actually the opposite. The more I invest, the closer I am to being irreversibly hurt.

So this time I’m going to put myself last, and put you first.

And this is why, this is my apology to you.

I’m sorry my truest companion, for putting you through battles even before you had healed from your previous dance with a devil.

I’m sorry for making you the armor for fights that were not your fault.

I’m sorry for not having your back the way you have had mine over all these years.

Men have waltzed in and out of my life and every time, you have been left in pieces when you trusted me to keep you safe.

You have never let me down, or given up on my sorry self.

Never have you complained or let me believe you can’t do this anymore.

Every time I believe someone was my walking fairytale, you came along with me for the ride even though you knew it was going to involve a crash landing.

I’m sorry my heart, for not listening.

I’m sorry for not being more aware of what you need.

I’m sorry that we have to do this again and pick up already shattered pieces.

I’m sorry that along the way you’ve lost some of the stardust that made you what you are.

But most of all, I’m sorry for not being the best friend I promised to be.

The best friend that you have always been to me.

You held up your end of the deal, and it’s time that I held up mine.

Let’s take this one last painful journey together, heal each other, and revive our old friendship.

And my promise to you will be only one, next time it’ll all be different.

Next time will be beautiful, I promise.

Please forgive me.

Regards,

Yours forever.

Dilz

Over You.

I remember the way your mustache grew into your beard

And your shirt tail was always half out of your trousers

I remember the smell that always filled every room you were in

And the way you’d smile every time you saw me so much as grin

I remember the 2AM I love yous and the 8AM goodbyes

And I can still feel your hands around my waist

But other than all that, I’m over you

I remember the crinkles in your t-shirt

And the hairtie around your right wrist

I remember the way you’d look at me without anyone knowing

And the way you’d kiss me so softly

I remember that last date, that last glass of your Jack Daniel’s

And I can still feel your presence in a corner of my soul

But mostly, I really am over you

Because I also remember the tears at 4AM

And the poison words waiting for me when I woke up

I remember the anger in your voice

And I know the control you so desperately wanted over me

I remember the other girls that had heard the same sweet nothings

And the hearts that you loved to keep in your collection

I remember the lies that you spewed at my naïve soul

And the my dreams that you loved to set on fire

I remember the joy that my tears brought you

And death in your eyes when you said I didn’t matter

I remember the times I begged you to let me in

And the moments you took away any hope I had

I remember the fairytales you turned to black

And the demons you brought to life in my soul

I remember the nights that I didn’t want to wake up

And the days that I woke up in a daze, wishing to sleep forever

So yes, for the last time on these empty pages

I will write words that resonate with you

While they all might always somewhere be true,

I am now and forever will be over you. 

Dilz

Futile Fairytales.

People come in temporary shades that only become permanent when their souls find reason within your own. Long nights of sharing hopes, early mornings with compromised sleep on corners of pillows. Discontinued emotions and half finished stories, worlds collide for a while and heart strings get woven into hope.

Day turned to nights and moments turned to hours, miles apart and worlds in between, there was him and his endless fears and then there was she.

Full of dreams, ever hopeful, ever giving, always ready. Feet on the ground with heads in clouds, there once was a story to tell but now all that’s left is a fading pile of could bes.

Don’t aim for the stars too high they said, don’t give up more than you get, they warned. But her foolish heart kept walking in the direction that he guided it.

Late nights that involves moments shared from ocean apart, she now spends wondering what happened in just 24 hours. How did he go from sweet nothings to empty midnight hours.

His words linger on her thoughts and her laugh somewhere lingers on his… Or maybe not.

And that’s when she realized there can be dark fairytales too. Ones with no ending and a futile beginning.

Dilz